One of the greatest disappointments on this outsize asteroid
is experienced upon getting your first gander at the
pan of someone named Gloria,
Which shows what being optimistic about your offspring when
they’re mere babies does foria.
Those so unfortunate as to be blessed with boy-babies have
discovered that to name one Hercules is to wind up
with a rather puny blighter;
But let them call him Wilberferce or Percival, and he’s
sure to grow cauliflower ears and be a prize-fighter.
So, future parents of America, take my excellent advice, and
you can turn this thing to your advantage
(If you know how to mantage.)
Simply name the kid the opposite of what you want it–even-
tually–to be;
Viz., the Chinese, wanting themselves a beautiful daughter,
tag the baby UG LEE.
If you desire a rich female child, instead of naming her
something ordinary like Alice or Carrie A. Nation,
Label her Starvation.
Or, if you want a boy ambitious in his callin’,
Why name him Joe–which is a guarantee he won’t be Stalin;
But if you want to be really cute,
And not handicap a child with a name that will influence
him at all, call him “Neutral” , which of course is
the full name for Newt.
Only the trouble here is newt is a sort of batrachian, if
not an amphibian,
Which would make it hard to predict what sort of life the
child might end up libian.
On the whole, then, I conclude it would be safer to ignore
the names, and just give the tot a number–
And let Nature take its course as to whether he or she
should be fat or thin, blighted or bright, an executive
or a plumber.
by Ray Romine Monday, August 16, 1948
